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Sitting as equals
The title of this post is somewhat misleading. Every time we sit down, whether it is at a table to eat, or I am at her feet and she watching something on the TV, or even when she is using me as a footrest, we are equals. We each have equal value to the relationship. Neither of us thinks I am worthless, only fit to serve, like some BDSM caricature.
We each bring so much to the relationship, it's just that, as you know if you've read from the beginning, she makes decisions, particularly big ones, so much better than me. I'm optimistic, and will overestimate my own abilities. This is, apparently, a common feature in male primates, and a key reason only 1 in 5 male chimps survive to adulthood.
I digress. Every 23rd, the anniversary of the start of this new phase in our relationship, I take off my necklace (when its not in the shop getting fixed), my bracelets, and we sit across from each other in the garden and discuss how we've been progressing. If I have concerns, I air them without fear, if she has concerns, she airs them. Of course, she is free to make changes on the other 29 or 30 days of the month, but the 23rd is the day we both actively think about and discuss them.
Today, (the 26th) she told me that this last time she had real fear about what I was going to say. Not because I gave her cause to, but it really just sort of popped up. This kind of fear and anxiety was something that was relatively constant before this. We weren't truly connected, and I wasn't the most consistent of chaps. But feeling that has become foreign to her over these last 3 months, so it had been a shock, I think.
This morning, before she left to shop, she pulled my forehead down to her and we communed. I love breathing the same air as her, feeling the warmth of her love.
"I'm so grateful," she said, "grateful for the peace and love I feel now."
It fills my heart to hear that. Just as it made me feel pain for her to hear that she had serious anxiety about what I was going to say this time. I think it stemmed from the recent tragedy in our lives, and how she perceived that she was not holding up her end of the bargain by just needing my emotional support as she grieved. Of course we've spoken about it before, and I had made it clear that serving her needs meant serving her needs, in whatever capacity she had needs. But there it was.
This time, I said pretty much the same thing I said last time, but I added to it. Last time, I asked her to be harder on me, to hold me to task for not clearing mundane tasks out of her way, for not exercising, for not displaying a laser focus on moving forward, in whatever way best suited us at that moment.
Yes, the same thing as last time, but do you know what a complaint without a suggestion for a solution is? Noise. So this time I had a suggestion. I would keep a log. Write down what I ate, what I wrote, whether I exercised, keep work notes in it, what I spent that day, etc. A tool. Using it, knowing I had to write down what I did, would make me more accountable without even needing her review. She liked the idea, and we have moved forward with it. It has helped me in more ways than one already. We talked about other things, but mostly we have been able to adjust on the fly to fit our power dynamic into our lives. I did press for one specific thing, which I'll write about, probably on Thursday, but other than that, it was a nice time spent affirming the positive nature of our changed relationship, and how we are better moving forward in this way. Moving forward as equals. Just letting her drive. Trust me, she's a better driver than me. You're all better off for it ;-).
