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Constant Vigilance!
We have had an incredible week. What a huge amount of work we did, all at incredible stress levels. I guess that it should not surprise me that this was the week that we had trouble with our relationship, and you doubted our new power dynamic, doubted my dedication. But what is good about this relationship shone throughout. Even when you were angry and rejecting me, there was no argument. I did not emotionally disengage and check out of the relationship. You maintained your personal power (I am at a loss for a better description, but I think you'll know what I mean). We came through this with me focusing on providing service and obedience, and asking for guidance from a position of love and self-worth, and you maintaining your composure and personal space. There were no arguments. No shouting matches. No exchange of recriminations. We had a near-disastrous challenge to our new way of life, and neither one of us lost our shit. One of the things you do that I always marvel at is how you actually take some time to think about something, and you actually do. In sales training we are taught that "I'll think about it" means the person just wants you to go away. If you've presented a decent proposal, there's really not much to think about, just something to decide. But you really do think about things. Last night, you helped me clear out all the anxiety of the last few days, and all the pent-up noise in my head. My back and ass feel amazing today, like I had the best massage of my life or something. It was such a great release to be reduced to a sobbing wreck by your riding crop. And it wasn't punishment. It was, and I hesitate to use the rather loaded word; therapeutic. I can't thank you enough for the release. This morning, we had a great discussion about what changed, and what we should do different, and I agreed with all of your assessments. 1) I need to promise to do less stuff. I want to do EVERYTHING for you, and I just don't always have time in my day, not with everything else I need to get done, and my writing. Stop biting off more than I can chew.
2) You need to hold me to my own standards for myself. With the incredible pressures on both of us at work and at home, you said, in effect, you forgot that you were in charge. Yes, I should do what I say, but in the end, it is you who has the crop in her hand. You can use it to caress me, tap me in the correct direction, rap a reminder on my knuckles, color my ass deep red when I need a wake up call, or anything else in between, but you are in charge, and I am your charge. My only responses to your use of the crop are to thank you for letting me know what you need or want, renew my focus, and never feel an ounce of resentment. That last is my promise, and one I've kept from the start. I WANT you to guide me, and I TRUST that you will do it in a way and towards a goal that is good for me, for us.
3) We both need monitor my focus. I have made myself a checklist: Am I tired? Is it hot outside? How is my energy level? Pain levels? I know yesterday I kind of forced myself to be tired and in pain so I could specifically work through that lens, but these things really sap at my ability to function. Neither one of wants you to micromanage me, and I should be able to kick these habits of decades to break out of any funk created by environment, but you told me you need to keep an eye on me and make sure I am functioning at an appropriate level. Whether I need a gatorade break, or just a few swats in the ass, you'll give me what I need to function. I love you Mrs Fillmore, and look forward your continued firm but fair leadership. I will remain vigilant so that I meet our shared expectations.
