No tags yet.
Negotiating our Power Dynamic
I wanted to write this here, because I have a particular clarity when I am writing; basically I am a mushy bowl of anxiety meat when I try to talk to you about control and power issues. This morning was incredible; simply beautiful. Being hogtied, pegged, whipped, left helpless while you went about your morning, all of it was incredible and so fulfilling. There was only one hitch. When you asked me whether I wanted to have an orgasm. Of course, I'm not complaining. We are still figuring this out, and we hadn't talked about this. I just couldn't answer the question. Physically, they are amazing when you are pegging me. Just stunning events. But I am moving through life under the assumption that I never get to choose when. I can ask you, or you can tell me, but unless it is spontaneous and uncontrollable, they happen when you want, when you tell me. I know that it gives you joy to see me come; you have said so repeatedly, including this morning when we stumbled through that conversation. You seemed to work through what you would do in the future verbally, having that conversation with yourself as we lay in bed afterwards this morning, but I wanted to articulate my feelings, and make a request. I would like it if you would decide that on your own. I have zero opinion about when I do or do not orgasm. My days of borderline impotence seem to be behind us, so it isn't a matter of anxiety about whether I _WILL_ be able to have one. No, I feel like I gave you this, totally and completely, when I shed the noxious elements of my old sexuality a month ago. I feel enlightened by my freedom from the demon of pornography and masturbation, and while you asking me to have an opinion about when I come is NOT a doorway back to those days, it is something I just don't think I can do. It is as if the circuit that made that decision in the past isn't only burned out; it's been surgically removed. If you recall, one of things I used to do that annoyed/hurt you is to say "I don't care" when offered a choice in the past, and we worked out that saying "I have no opinion" would be much more in keeping with our new relationship. So that is my answer, permanently and given with love, humility, and most of all, absolute honesty. When you ask me what I want in bed, my answer is "I have no opinion." Even when you wear that midnight blue gown, telling me that you want me to take you, that is STILL not my will. It is you telling me what you want, and me fulfilling it. All of which gives me great joy.
