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I'm on FetLife as Millard_Fillmore, and I received an interesting PM from a fellow traveler. I'm going to copy the conversation here, sans his name of course, because I think I hit upon a pretty nifty set of questions you should ask yourself if you are interested in an FLR with your spouse or partner. Read on, and then I'll circle back:
Him: How are you?Can you please tell me why entering into a FLR was the greatest thing you ever did ?
Millard_Fillmore: I will respond tonight, but if you look at my home page there’s a link to my blog. Page back to the beginning using the calendar. It should fill you in
Him: Thank you so much. I’m trying to enter into a wife led marriage but it’s not easy
Millard_Fillmore : Are you currently with someone? I made a carefully crafted argument. I go over it in my blog
Him: Yes I’m married I kinda started to discuss it with her and she’s open to it but she’s not being dominant with me Millard_Fillmore: Some questions for you. I will answer them too, but from the perspective of BEFORE our FLR.
How long have you been married?
20+ years
Is your marriage relatively happy?
Yes
Do you lie to your wife?
Yes
Why?
Mostly to cover up things I shouldn't be doing (looking at porn, etc) or when I didn't do something I said I would (meaning to do it later)
Who is a better worker and why? Her, she focuses on the job at hand, without distraction, and works at it until it is done. I am capable, but find myself wasting time or avoiding the task. Who makes better decisions?
Her. If she had made most of the major decisions in our marriage we would own our house, have a nice retirement nest egg, and be paying cash for the kids' college. I _almost_ did great things, whether failing on my own, or getting screwed, the net result is that her way would have been better.
Do you trust each other?
I trust her implicitly. She wants to trust me, but I am relatively unreliable.
Do you have habits that annoy her or are uncouth? How long is the list?
Yes, ~30 distinct things that if I never did again, our lives would be better.
How about her?
A few things, maybe 3. It pales in comparison.
So, for me, the problem was I was trying to prove my love for her by doing great things, and getting depressed when I fell short, while riddled with addiction to porn, food, Facebook, and fucking around with video games. I'm smart, capable but unfocused.
You can read my argument to her (blogged in real time, nothing on the blog is made up) for why she should take charge.
Since then, my life has focus. I have lost 20-30 lbs, 4-5 inches on my belt size, and we have sex all the time. ALL THE TIME. I do most of the housework, and have reorganized almost every room to suit my efficiency, while ditching or donating about 10% of our belongings. I am in sales, and have been just crushing it at work. Salesman of the year good. Just won a dinner cruise with the wife.
Now, I eased us into this. If I told her the stuff I am telling her now, or told her then what I dreamed we would be, she would have been turned off. But I argued successfully and honestly in stages that she should be in charge.
Now, every FLR, and every relationship, is different. My template won't work for you, but if you answer the questions above, you can formulate a starting point with your answers. If you would prefer to keep the answers private, feel free. If you want my advice, it's available.
My wife isn't a domme, necessarily, and I am not a sub, necessarily. I am HER sub, though, because I've learned in our decades together that I can trust her implicitly, and that she generally makes good decisions, and when she doesn't, she recognizes that. She would always seek my input, but now she makes the decision.It's a massive weight off my shoulders. She handles difficult emotional issues (I had the typical emotionally distant male upbringing) and shields me from those kinds of trouble.
It is a HUGE responsibility for her, but we are both as happy as we have ever been, with no end in sight. We don't argue, because she's always the final word, and my only focus outside of work is making her happy. Hope that helps, brother.PS, I am putting this up on the blog. I think it would be helpful to others.
So, if you are considering FLR, why not answer those questions. If you can think of another question to add, let me know. If your answers don't match mind, it's no big deal. This has been an enlightening time for both of us, and we are both better for it.
