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Mrs Fillmore and I are private people. We have friends, but do not necessarily socialize often. Maybe a half a dozen times a year. We have always been this way, and it works for us. Family focused. When we discussed sharing this blog it was interesting, because, as she will do now, she tells me, "Hmmm. I will think about that and let you know what we will do." I'm sure that our privacy was very much her primary concern while she deliberated, and finally, she let me know that yes, we should share it, because she was proud of what we had, and maybe others could see it and find their own joy.
So I joined Fetlife. It's funny, she was getting ready to leave for work (she leaves up to an hour before me) and she came down the stairs and into the office, and there I was, on Fetlife. It was almost surreal, because that would have been my cue to alt-tab away to some innocuous screen in the past, but here it was just me working on something that she said to do.
I found a few promising groups about FLR, and hope to be able to engage occasionally to share our life to the level we want and she thinks is safe.
While doing so, I came across this question on one FLR forum:
For those of you currently in a FLR, I'm curious to hear your stories about how you met and how your relationship progressed from strangers to partners.
I've been thinking about that lately; wondering how we found this remarkably beautiful change in our relationship. I started writing a reply, and I think I hit on something. Yes, I skipped a LOT of details. But that's not important. If I left out any of my negative behavior, it wasn't to spare myself. I just figured out what the fuck I was doing wrong all those years. I don't mean the details, like making bad purchases, porn, etc. I mean the fundamental, philosophical, root of my inability to be a good partner when that was what I most desperately wanted. Here's my response:
I met her the day after I signed my military contract, a month and a half before I left for boot. We fell in love instantly, and that love has never flagged. Through a three year long distance (mostly) relationship, we grew closer. In retrospect I think it is because of the letters we wrote one another (all saved). We were married while I was still in, and it was an idyllic time.
I was missing something, though. There were extenuating circumstances, but it seems like I always lived my life without focus, looking for that one thing. I've done some great and amazing things in pursuit of the Beast Glatisant, but also made some spectacularly bad decisions that cost our family dearly.
Through her constant understanding and nurturing, and therapy and various groups, I came to recognize my problems and what my constant striving was about (with the accompanying depression and poor behavior). I knew that I was looking for something to fill my life.
My wife never had this problem. I filled her life. Our kids, our home, everything. It was not just enough for her, it fulfilled her. This year, finally I recognized that difference. I've always loved her, always wanted to bring her joy, always wanted to be happy. I just always thought I would do that by looking outward, by being great. And then hating myself for falling short.
After 25 years, I figured out the solution: her. Just loving her. I'm a good researcher; it didn't take me long to find FLR. From there I did a lot of work to present a logical, loving, and forward looking argument to her that she should take the reins. She did so about a week and a half ago, and it has been the best time of our lives. It feels RIGHT. I may be smart, strong, professionally driven, charming, etc, but she is wise, loving, compassionate, and stern when she needs to be. It is a perfect match.
We are in heaven.
So that was it. Direction. I looked outward, trying to find a path to her. When all I had to do was settle in at her feet and lay my head on her lap. Everything else falls into place.
Edit - from Mrs Fillmore: "The only thing I would correct is that my hesitation about you posting this blog - it did not come from privacy as much as your intentions behind sharing it. I wanted to be sure to understand them first. I have faith you will keep our private life private."