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Fantasies
You've asked me a few times in the past month about my fantasies, mostly while we are in bed. I usually draw a blank. I'm not being fatuous or deceptive; I just don't have any floating around in my head. This is a HUGE difference from before, of course. You know that, as we've talked about my long-running fantasies that I would build in my head. Or of the graphic images that would flash sometimes. Just from stopping them, I've picked up at least 20% of my waking hours back, and a good chunk of my soul. Here is the reason: I am living my fantasy, or something better than I ever dreamed of. I've ceded to you the responsibility to feed my sex drive as you see fit, and that investment of will on my part, that submission, has reaped a huge reward, or rather several. First, our love life is spectacular. I actually expected this for a few reasons. The first is that we have always had the potential for it, even lived it for stretches. You are a wild thing, Abigail, and I am blessed with sharing your bed. The second is that is what my research indicated ahead of time that by ceding control, men report a vast improvement in their love lives. They indicated, almost universally, that they were in the best place they'd ever been. The women reporting on the FLR dynamic indicated that their men had become incredibly attentive and communicative in bed, sensitive to their needs and desires, and put them first, which generally meant that they got rewarded. I don't think I was being duplicitous in wanting that, because as a direct function of getting a more robust love life, I would be doing so by satisfying your every whim. Second, I don't think about sex anymore. Literally almost never unless I'm with you. We've discussed this. It is a massive burden lifted from my shoulders. I would CONSTANTLY have thoughts of sex running through the back of my mind, and use other distractions to keep from letting it dominate my thoughts. Video games, Facebook, Youtube, Audible, or whatever. Once I even forced myself to listen to C-SPAN Radio all day in the car. So there's nothing going on up there in that regard. I don't even think about having sex with you, or what I can do with you. In those moments when you do let me drive the bus, I just let the moment carry me, without preconceived notions as to what I should do. I just celebrate our time together.
Third, my life is (relatively) guilt free. I still have moments where I eat too much, or forget to clean something, but those are minor guilty moments that you address with love, compassion, and/or a riding crop. No, it's not really guilt-free that I mean, it's shame-free. Guilt is what you are when you've done something wrong and you want to own it and move on. Shame sinks into your psyche like a black mold, poisoning your mind. It is something you don't want to surface, and it drags you down, like a clogged fuel injector slows an engine down. The sex, porn, and fantasies were the driving force for my shame, and almost everything else I did was to avoid or distract from them. So, now that I am free of those bonds, I don't want to go back. I don't want to dabble. I don't mind relating our escapades in this forum, or telling you a naughty story when you need to fall asleep, but to engage in fantasy? No thank you. That would be like a former 3 pack a day smoker picking up cigs again. I am so grateful to you for this freedom. It has cleared my brain and brought me great joy.
