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A Beautiful Moment
This morning, the First Lady was wrestling with something. I could sense that she was not happy, and as her joy is my raison d'etre I was not happy. What is nice about our new relationship is that I know she is not unhappy with me, so I don't approach the situation the way I used to. I could always tell she wasn't happy, but most times I would pretend I didn't know and power through, hoping maybe that she would drop the subject and move on. I just assumed it was something I had done, and relied on her basic instinct to just deal with things to get through. I can only imagine how many times it wasn't about me, and I let her suffer with a problem all alone. I am so fortunate that that part of our relationship has been banished. Now, this morning, I could tell something was wrong, and I don't think that I just walked up to her and said "What's wrong!!!???" I did make myself available for her to talk to. She was having breakfast, and per the usual now that I have all my kids at home for the summer, the kitchen was a mess. I cleaned up and put away dishes, mindless tasks that let me stay focused on her. She did start talking, and I encouraged her by offering support, or asking a question that would lead her to what I thought the issues were. And we got to them. She needs to go back for her masters. She really does. Before I ceded all the power in the relationship to her, and committed myself to realizing her dreams and goals, she had looked at going back to school as torture. She would need to work full time, take classes nearly full time, and still manage the house. Now, it's been less than two months, but I think the fact that I have really taken the load off her at home has started to sink in. She is starting to look forward, exploring the possibilities this new freedom has opened up to her. It's a beautiful thing to hear her say, "Well now that I will have the time to do it, maybe I do need to go back to school." It was something she considered impossible just months ago. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, it will be expensive. Yes, it is bullshit that she needs to get a Masters degree to even apply for jobs that she is already qualified for. But, Yes, I will be there for her. Packing her lunch, even her dinner if she needs it. Taking care of everything for her. Holding her up so the speedbumps and roadblocks life throws in one's way just pass harmlessly unnoticed beneath her. I'm thinking about converting my office at home to make it more hers, and have already started to reach out to graduate degree program managers for more information for her. I am here to support her. I'm not here to suggest solutions to her problems, but rather to be a sounding board via which she works through her issues and comes to her own solution. **** Guys, it REALLY REALLY REALLLLLLLY isn't about the nail. **** (Click the link) This is probably one of the changes I've made that has been most responsible for the positive developments in our relationship. The cultural stereotype that women come to you with an obvious problem but don't really want the solution is one that gets a lot of playing time. It is both true, and not true. Just telling them, "the solution is X" is not helpful, because often there are many moving parts to get to X, and while we just like to yadda yadda yadda through them, they are things that our partners consider very important. So last year, when she was hitting professional brick walls, and watching idiots with masters degrees get promotions (and then have to deal with them as her boss) I would just say, "well, go back to school then!" Sure, it was the obvious answer, and 100% true. But what about the dishes? What about the laundry? What about the 1000 things it takes to keep a happy house? What about the cost? What about changes in the professional landscape? How will it impact our children? Now, we work through those questions FIRST, and then get to the solution. The answer to those questions is "I will handle it." And I've given her a solid chunk of time showing her that I can do those things. I can make it happen for her. In this, the title of my blog is most fulfilled. I am submitting my will to her dreams, he goals, I truly am being more for her.
From Mrs Fillmore: Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! This is why the thought of returning to college now isn't the gut-punch it used to be. Attending school in 2013 reaffirmed that I am a still a good student, capable of critical thinking. So I know I can do the work. Also, I know it will be expensive, but my new position will more than cover that expense. What I was truly lacking was the support at home. And without that support, going to school along with my 3 hour commute would be impossible. But now I can think of it without despair. Because I have faith in you. I have utter and complete faith in you. I would NEVER have said that a year ago, or even 3 months ago because it would not have been true. You showed me time and time again that you could be counted on, but only with good intentions. This new relationship has opened up a whole new world for us in so many ways - everyday we have something new to be grateful for. And despite all that, I never thought it would include an advanced degree for me. So silly not to expect the unexpected ;-
