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Yesterday was Sunday, and we had relatively big plans, each in for a long, hard day. She of traveling and me of cleaning and major projects. Well, that all changed. It ALL changed. Some of the surprises were happy, and some of them were quite sad. Almost everything about our plans for the day, and the summer, changed, and we were forced to adjust. We were all upset by a nearby tragedy, Mrs Fillmore most particularly.
I woke up this morning thinking about the day before, and contemplating what we hadn't done, and how I felt about it. And I was immediately thankful. I am thankful that all of my family are safe and with me.
I am thankful that I was able to be there for Mrs Fillmore when she needed me, emotionally.
I am thankful for all the amazing gifts she has given me via my submission, but today, right now, I am most grateful to her for helping me conquer my sense of entitlement (and the accompanying resentment). Last night, we were supposed to have time focused on us, and she promised to ride my ass like it was Pony Express time. I was so present with her, so unclouded by distractions and thoughts of what was to come, that I forgot completely about that until this morning, after she left for work, coffee and lunch in hand. And now that I do remember it, it is with a shrug. I almost hesitated to write this, because it could be misinterpreted as an arch attempt to garner sympathy from Herself, or bragging. But this feeling of ambivalence is so strong and refreshing that I had to share it to tell Mrs Fillmore that I am so happy. I feel so free; free to focus on what is in front of me. Part of me can't believe it, that I must keep thoughts of what we DIDN'T do on the back burner. But they are just sliding right out of my head. My mind keeps turning back to the two big things I need to get done today, when I can find time at work. Fixing her broken phone is pushing thoughts of sex out of my head, and I'm so happy I could cry.
