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Where Before, There was Despair
We have hit a point in our relationship where you are doubting everything. We just went through a truly stressful week. You are rejecting this relationship model for a number of reasons. The first one I think, the trigger, is that you set a priority for me to get a specific room cleaned out, and I pushed it off and didn't do it, until it was July 3rd and it was still not done. This was an important task for many reasons (we talked specifics this morning) and while I did attack it the night of the 3rd and get it done, I was "making things up to you" instead of focusing on your priorities in the first place. The second one was the onus of history, our history, together. I still remember you telling me that my mom warned you that I was manipulative. Depending when we talk about that, we're either laughing or fighting. I know I can be manipulative, and I really try not to be. For when you use guile to convince someone to do something, it isn't a lasting commitment, it's only a temporary "victory" that will generate resentment. So when we were talking about our new relationship this morning, you told me you look at the whole thing as a grand game to get what I want; that you're really not in charge, and that I was just presenting it in such a way that would make it seem like you were driving the bus. The third thing was really many things. It was me working a full day on Tuesday instead of the half day I said I would. It's taking my time when I ran to the store. It was me falling back into patterns of laziness and self serving actions. It was more, and they were small things that added up to not taking your needs seriously.
Where this leaves us is you in a familiar place, suspecting me of just gaming you to get what I want, and lacking real conviction that I am an honest and loving partner to you.
Where this WOULD have left me last year, before that conversation we had in that Irish pub, would have been in a pit of despair, where everything I did seemed pointless, doubting my own feelings of love for you, wondering if I were some sort of sociopath, incapable of real feelings of love that could drive my actions. It would make me check out of the present, and focus on distractions, whether they were food, porn, binge-watching, gaming, or just a general sense of detachment. In that state I would just (barely) do enough to keep you from walking out, but not really focus on anything or anyone. I would just sink down into a morass of negative, selfish behaviors. But as sad as I am that you feel this way, and as guilty as I feel for letting you down and not focusing on what you needed, I do NOT feel despair. I do NOT feel shame. Because, the changes I've been making are real. I may lack focus, and the ability to see that failing consistently, but I am a better person, and a better person for you. I did more this week for us and our needs than I had done ever in the past. Even this morning, you said that I was consistently better at doing some things (I don't want to misquote you). When we went to that reunion, I was loud and overtalked you, (a negative thing from my first list) but you told me about it afterward, and I endeavored to make a change. I am at a plateau well above the old Millard, and I do take everything I said to you these last few months seriously, and own my mistakes. For in these discussions (not really arguments) I am able to see those things I did do right. I have an example of my OWN actions to draw on so I can move forward a better person, and a better mate for you. For once, there is no despair, no sense that I'm just going to end up driving you away anyway. What I wrote to you yesterday still stands.
I am, however, human, and am just coming (a month and a half ago) into my power. I could ascribe my lapses to any number of outside influences, but at my root, I am flawed. Like all humans. I have DECADES of negative reinforcement on my behavior, and I told you about a month ago, I am particularly challenged when I am hot and tired. That is not an excuse, but a call to arms. Hot+Tired= vigilant. I am yours Abigail. This was the greatest personal change I ever made, and this failure is just a learning opportunity. Main force doesn't get the job done. I need tools, so I will develop them. I am your property, and as such, you are right to be angry with me; I didn't take very good care of your property.
One last thing: Last night you told me, before bed, to do whatever I wanted. This wasn't some bit of largess on your part; this was you letting me know how I had made you feel used and rejected. But I did hear you, and did respond accordingly.The floor was hard last night, and out of the reach of the fans, so it was hot and I got sticky, and my body aches. But this pain and tiredness I feel today were generated intentionally. If I fall down when I am hot and tired, then that is the state I need to put myself in to drive a better version of myself to the surface. This gives me the opportunity to refine my focus on that which you need from me, that which makes you happier, to conquer my weaknesses. I love you, and will show you that the good things you have seen were not some sham, but really the honest expression of the new Millard Fillmore.
