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This morning (or was it last night!?) I thanked you for the way we've grown emotionally closer through this process. And of course the constant attention we focus on each other, and other positive emotional interactions are wonderful, but I'm talking about the other kind of emotion. Anxiety. Fear. Anger. Regret. Pain.
Those were, previously, to be avoided at all costs. On my part, it was because I had NO way of dealing with them at all, and very often, I was the cause. On your part, it had to be tough to come to the well and find it dry so many times. You were so used to not getting any satisfaction from talking to me about it that it must have not only exacerbated the pain (or anxiety) but it created new negative feelings toward me.
Now, I can feel your emotions immediately, even sometimes when you're not in the same room. And since you bringing up past anger, etc only leads to healing, I am eager to discuss it with you. Because I am no longer juggling a body of lies built up over the years to AVOID emotional distress, I am free to discuss things with you without reservation.
This is how we are rooting out the last cobwebs of our old friction from our lives, and it is a thing of beauty. You were talking this morning about something, and it was when I was extremely vulnerable to you, physically, which I think helps. I couldn't go anywhere, but also, you can hold onto me, or not. You can have me as physically present as you need me. And my emotional presence is guaranteed.
There has been at least twice, last week once and last night/this morning once, where, in the past, our interaction would have meant walls going up, and emotional distance for days or weeks, even. But now, we face it and either purge the feelings (in the best way), or you table the discussion for when you are ready for it, and then return to living in the moment with me.
It has been a joy, even when thoughts of the past bring you down or make you angry. In fact, those are among the best parts, because I love the opportunity to not only show you my open and sincere support, but it further cements the bonds that bind us together in this particular arrangement. I love you, Mrs Fillmore.
