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So much of the pain in my life has been caused by my own guilt. I have been carrying my sins around, some of them for decades. The things I would do would be bad enough, but I am not a sociopath, so I would KNOW I did something wrong and hurtful, and this would bring on my guilt, and resentment (mostly at my wife) for feeling guilty. I know, not an intellectually or emotionally sound argument, but life can be like that, particularly if you are a dude who doesn't know how to process his emotions.
So I would do something hurtful that she didn't know about, and I would either not tell her, or lie to cover it up. This would add (or multiply) the guilt I was carrying. Now I'm a big guy. I've done a two day hike with a 120 lb pack, no problem, but unfortunately guilt isn't carried by muscles or bone. It's carried elsewhere, and I am NOT a titan in the emotional control department.
I am (and was raised) Catholic. I understood the sacrament of reconciliation, but never really understood the attraction. It seemed weird to tell a priest my sins, but also, it felt like a little bit of a cop out. I did all this messed up shit, and all I need to do is pray to clear the decks? Well, I went to confession today, and while I didn't share most of the details, I hit the high (low) points of my moral turpitude with the padre, and his response was gratifying. I wasn't expecting a tough penance, and didn't get one, but that wasn't the point. After telling the wife everything (and she was ready to hear it) on Wednesday, she thought confession might help, too.
And it did. It feels great to be shriven. I'm not really worried about clearing my sins so I can get into heaven, just managing guilt in a positive way. But what I've found is that the guilt is gone. Just evaporated.
The most important person in my life now knows the worst side of me, and she's still here, and loves me. What's more, I now know exactly what I need to do to be happy. And since she knows all of my bullshit lies I told to cover for my actions, I don't have to worry about managing that vast body of deception.
I'm sure many people who might read this don't struggle with guilt. I get it. My wife doesn't, at least not like me. She's feels guilt that we can't afford to pay outright for our kids colleges. That's not what I'm talking about. It's the daily cancerous gnawing at your soul, viciously poisoning your self-image and self-worth.
But that's gone for me. Today, this evening, I remembered something else I used to do that was fucked up, but I forgot it when I was relating my transgressions to her. It is almost with joy that I get to tell her. Check another box. Clear another compartment of my brain of the nauseating miasma of guilt. Sure, it means a whipping, and not a fun one, but that is MY trigger. That physical sensation, that ritual of trust and love, is what lets me let the guilt go. It's over. Every night behind the barn, I've been shedding more and more emotional baggage. I love every stroke of the belt, every crack against my back or ass. It means I'm free. Free of the guilt of decades. The pain is like a beacon in the night that I fly towards. It's a glorious feeling as the blows turn from pain, and then transform into ... something else. It still feels the same, but it no longer hurts. It's just a warm rush.
An that warm rush is when I know my guilt is gone. I'm lighter, freer, more worthy of love. Closer to being the best version of me there is.
