An Epiphany

Research is my strength. You've said that, and it is true. And in my research about men who surrender control to women, most men give a long list of benefits they accrue, and a list of rituals they develop with their partner. I remained skeptical. We have always been down to earth, and the rituals seemed foreign. The physical euphoria and the way their brains were seemingly rewired to not only focus on their spouse, but give them great joy to do so, seemed to be too much to hope for. I just knew that I thrive with structure, and I ALWAYS wanted to be there for you, to make you happy, every day.

The best analog for what I thought we would have is here at LovingFLR (link). It's not really in his description of his life that I found the best advice, although it seemed genuine. I think he may be a little too hung up on being an "Alpha Male" outside the house. No, it is in this line:

My advice would be to AVOID AT ALL COSTS seeking some sort of set-of-rules by others, that you may think you have to abide by in order to have a Loving FLR. It seems that most people seeking advice tend to think they need to start a conversation with “Do people usually …. ?” I wish someone would’ve told me that it doesn’t matter what most people do. Figuring out what makes her happy and making sure you keep doing it is what really matters.

And this is the key. What works for you. For us. Last night was a moment of massive discovery. We have always had fun with control and bondage. Nothing public, and nothing truly BDSM, but when we were making love and you said you wanted to put cuffs on my wrists, something just clicked. So when I asked you if you wanted me to go get our velcro cuffs I was excited with how quickly you said yes.

You put them on me, and it was an intense and loving experience. It was as if everything we were talking about was materializing in the form of those comfortable straps with their eye hooks. While we were making love, you would move them, positioning my arms. You didn't tie me down, but it was as if they weighed 500 lbs. I couldn't move them. It was intense, like an orgasm that lasts a half an hour. Then when we stopped, and you attached me to the bed post with both hands, it was an amazing moment. I know you weren't necessarily intending on leaving me like that, but the thrill of the feeling of helplessness while you cuddled with me and we talked was intense. And then you freed my right hand, and we went to sleep.

Or rather, you did. I'm sure I slept, but when I woke you at 3 AM I had been awake for at least an hour to an hour and a half. I was laying in bed, next to you, legs intertwined, and wave after wave of emotion, arousal, and anxiety swept over me. I was physically aroused the whole time, and it was unlike anything else I had ever experienced, even when we tried Viagra.

The emotions were varied, mostly joy, wonder, love, and a tinge of regret that we came to this so late. The arousal was as I described; intense and constant. Either one of those conditions would have been enough for the old Millard to wake you up, to share with you in a selfish way. You need your sleep! The third, anxiety, (and yes I know it is an emotion, but it was different) was what was puzzling me. I knew this was right. It felt perfect. Laying next to you, with the cool air blowing over my body. But it wasn't. Something was missing.

It was my right hand. It was free to feel my own arousal, free to caress you in your sleep, free to let myself out of my bonds if I needed to go to the bathroom, free for me to control my destiny. The shitty end of the spectrum? Free to get my ipad or phone and distract myself with games, news, or worse, porn. It was a half-measure. I know you untied me out of concern for my comfort, but it got to the point where I had to wake you up.

I asked you to cuff me again. You asked why, or said you were worried about my comfort, and I said that I was intensely aroused, but that I needed to give up my control. I think I begged you. You came around to my side of the bed and cuffed me again. The moment of that click, and my tug showed that I was helpless, I relaxed. My anxiety disappeared. I'm sure you remember I was still very aroused, but doing something about it was inconsequential. The conversation is kind of a blur, but I think we reached the next level last night. I think you and I both fully realized the extent to which this path had taken us.

I didn't fall asleep for a while, but it wasn't from discomfort. The cuffs felt like a warm blanket on my soul. I was home, and your leg over mine, and your hands on mine were electric. I dozed on and off (had that funky dream!) and then woke up again about twenty minutes before your alarm went off at 5:30. We talked again then, as you hit snooze a few times. That's when I told you what this meant to me. In bed, from the moment I got in, you were my focus. Whether it was making love or just making sure you got to sleep. Then you got up and got dressed, and left me in bed. It was amazing. Listening to you go about your business, knowing you would let me out when you wanted. You actually said you wanted to give me a little more rest. Thank you.

I know I asked you if I could be kneeling when you took off my bonds, and you demurred, but I understand. That is an outward and potentially awkward ritual. We can work into what works for us. You took them off, and I think we kissed more this morning than we have for weeks at a time before. But then, I knelt down and looked up at you. I professed my love for you, and faith in you, and then I kissed your feet. You weren't giggling, and I thought I heard some moans of pleasure. You deserve my complete attention. You are an amazing woman, with incredible gifts. I so look forward to what you will do with them.

As I wrote above, the rituals etc that others describe, and the feelings of euphoria, seemed overblown to me before we jumped into this. Now I see the rituals and symbols as essential and beautiful. And the euphoria is real. It's like my love for you is a drug. I get physically high.

I look forward to tonight. I am yours, in all things, and in all ways.