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More With Lists
So my first list was "Things I do that you don't like". We had a talk about it, and while mine is like 30 items long, with stupid things like "scratch my ass" and serious things like "lie" we couldn't really come up with a robust list of things that you do that I don't like. Take my phone charger and don't put it back was pretty much the most serious thing. So I think we've established who is the "better half" here. I think a good relationship adds up to 1. Think about statistics class. All possible possibilities add up to one. In our case the different elements of our life add up to 1. We do a good job of completing each other's skills, traits, and nature in most every area. But this is not in balance. I can't count the times we've had a fight where I've thrown shade at you about how you always have to win. And you come back with, but I only fight when I'm right. And it's true. You put up with a LOT of shit before you get mad. I really have to work at getting you to a point where you will say something. Or I used to. I really like how you've changed recently (thanks Jen!) and connected with these things and communicated your displeasure with my actions up front, each time. That really got to me. This exercise, the lists, are absolutely illustrative of an imbalance. In other words, we don't add up to one in this regard, and it is mostly because I lack the focus to remain considerate and thoughtful of you. You aren't some hyper-demanding princess, either. It doesn't take much to make you happy, and yet I find myself missing that bar. Can you imagine a whole week with no disappointments? How about a month where I am consistently attentive to your (rather modest) needs? A whole year? Bliss. Because, and this is an absolute truth, I'm happy when you are happy. You drive the emotional bus in our house. That's a fair statement, and a responsibility that isn't fair, particularly when I am pretty consistently giving the bus a flat tire or forgetting to fill it up with gas.
We've had heart to hearts when we fight, and I resolve each time never to get back to that space, but I hit it anyway, for any number of reasons. Mostly it's because I let life swamp me, and I can't keep up with everything. You are the thing I can take for granted, and I have. Work, school, the kids, whatever, it all came first. This first list was the first step in how I will get to where you can take me for granted. I want to be consistent, and not consistently bad!
So that first list is an articulation of the things I need to stop doing. It's the baseline. Stop them, and keep doing the rest of the stuff we do, and we'll be vastly happier. But I don't think that's enough. The next list, Things You Like that I do, is even more important. The first set is a no brainer. Just stop doing them. This set is stuff I do sometimes, but I want to do more. None of it costs me anything (dollar wise) and has only good emotional dividends. You served this family as the ultimate backstop for more than two decades. I want to take the next two, and help you fulfill your dreams. The house, the second house, your job, whatever it is. I want to clear your decks and let you have all of that, what you gave me when I was working and you were not.
I sent you the second list, and it is paltry compared to my negative list about myself. Tell me the good things I do. Tell me what makes you happy. By listing them, it gives me something to focus on. It's not cheating, it is communication. Love yourself, and know you deserve someone who loves you, too. Help me know how to show you. Tomorrow, I'll get into even more mundane stuff. One last list.
