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Life and Love, and Pain
Why is life so hard. What I want is right here, in my hand. Not there, on the horizon, attainable, but right here with me now. Time and again I've been selfish and disloyal. You have said I need to find out WHY I do the things that are so painful to you, and damaging to us, and attack that. I know this is true. I'm acting out of some set of learned behaviors that served a purpose for me at one point. But no longer. They don't work. We are in a great place right now, connecting on every level. Getting her out of our lives was a major milestone; a declaration of freedom and of my love for you. But it is not enough. I am feeling strong right now, but that bottle of liquor I carry around in my head is right there, waiting for me to take a drink. I need to excise it, but more than that, I need to change the way I think. Just not doing wrong is not enough. I need to do GOOD.
We had a great conversation today about our life together, and our shared love. I feel that in my bones. However, decades of use means my hand flies to that bottle without my mind even knowing it is doing so. I want a permanent cure. Sure, it is an addiction, and there is no cure, but I am white-knuckling it right now, and the effort of sobriety means I am just floating, in many ways. There is so much lost potential (The Big Snooze) in doing it this way. That's why I am glad you are away. I am fighting this monster on my own, and it is a fight I want to win. Talking to you, and messaging is a wonderful thing for me. But this weekend is about working on a more permanent solution; about making my change, and owning it. I have big things in the works, and I am really worried you will think I am too far out there, or that I won't be able to do it, or, worst case, you don't think it will work enough even to give it a try. But babe, like you said, this is the way I get rid of it. This is how I find a way past the decades of sex addiction and focus on you, on us. I think it will work, and these lists are just a first step. It will be tough, even painful, for me, and will take even more effort on your part. But the net result will be joy, love, and contentment. The guy pictured below will be out of my life, and I will be in your hands, as you will be in mine.
